About Sexual Violence

Sexual violence is the use of sexual actions and/or words that are unwanted by and harmful to another person. Some of these actions are defined as crimes by Maine law. Other experiences of sexual violence, while clearly personal violations, may not rise to the level of a crime. That does not in any way diminish the victim/survivor’s experience of being violated.

Sexual Abuse of Children Rape Understanding Consent

                                               

Sexual abuse of children

 

The numbers are frightening: One out of four girls and one out of six boys will be sexually abused before they reach the age of eighteen…yet only ONE OUT OF EVERY SEVEN WILL TELL SOMEONE.
There are no easy answers. We want our children to be safe, yet we may not be able to be with them every minute of every day.
Educating ourselves and our children can reduce the risk of our children becoming
victims. Children cannot protect themselves alone- adults must learn to recognize and inquire about behaviors that make children vulnerable or suggest that abuse has occurred. Waiting for children to tell about abuse leaves them to face the confusion and trauma on their own.

 

How Can We Keep Our Children Safe From Sexual Abuse?

                       We need to teach children about safety.

We, as adults, also need to educate ourselves about sexual abuse, the warning signs of sexually abusing behaviors and the risk factors that create situations that make children vulnerable.

                                Then we adults need to act.

WHAT ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS I MUST TEACH MY CHILD?

• It is important for a child to know, as early as possible, the proper names for
  his/her private parts.
• Let your child know that it is OK to tell you if someone touches his/her private
  parts.
• Tell your child NO ONE should touch his/her private parts except to keep him/her
  CLEAN AND HEALTHY.
• SECRETS about touching are not OK.
• If someone wants to touch them they have the right to:
                            Say “NO!”
                                    GO away
                                          TELL a grown-up
  
• Let your child know it is NOT their fault if it happens.
  

   

    Watch for signs of sexually inappropriate behavior in adults,

                  between adults and children, and in children.

                        (click here for a list of Warning Signs)

 

WHAT IF IT HAPPENS?


• REPORT the abuser

• Let your child know you believe him/her

• Do NOT make threats which would frighten your child

• Do NOT force your child to talk about the abuse

• Find someone to talk to!

   

Tips for Talking to Children about Sexual Abuse…

• Teach children accurate names for all of their body parts. A convenient time to do this is during bath time when you are teaching children about how to wash all of their body parts. It is important that kids know all of the correct names. If they ever need to report being touched inappropriately, they will know the words to use.

• Include rules about body safety with all of your other safety rules. It is as important as knowing about poisons, what to do in case of a fire, or how to cross the street. Let children know that the private parts of his/her body should only be touched by an adult to help keep them clean or healthy. Examples are parents helping with baths, or the pediatrician performing a check up.

• Avoid telling kids that only strangers are dangerous. It is important to know that in 85% of sexual abuse cases, the perpetrators are known to the victims. Instead of saying strangers are dangerous, talk about situations that are dangerous. Brainstorm with children what they could do if they find themselves in a dangerous situation. Give scenarios and try some role plays.

• Help children understand and trust their feelings. Ask them if they have ever felt “funny” or wanted to stay away from someone. Explain that when they have feelings like this, trust them, and tell a trusted adult how they are feeling.

• Don’t encourage behavior that can leave your kids vulnerable. Examples may include saying “Always do what adults tell you to do,” or “Don’t hurt cousin Fred’s feelings, hug him goodbye.” Children need to learn how to say “NO!” when they don’t want to be touched. They need to have permission to tell us who or what they don’t like and why.

• It is most important to keep in mind that if your child discloses abuse, it is vital to believe him/her. Children rarely make up stories of this nature. Report the abuse, and reach out for services. There are many people who can help.

The exact definition of “rape,” “sexual assault,” “sexual abuse” and similar terms differs by state. The wording can get confusing, since states often use different words to mean the same thing or use the same words to describe different things. So, for a precise legal definition, you need to check the law in your state. (For State of Maine Law click here)But here are some general guidelines based on the definitions used by the U.S. Justice Department. Please note that this definition is a bit graphic, which is inevitable when describing crimes this violent.

Rape: forced sexual intercourse, including vaginal, anal, or oral penetration.

                       Penetration may be by a body part or an object.

Rape victims may be forced through threats or physical means. In about 8 out of 10 rapes, no weapon is used other than physical force. Anyone may be a victim of rape: women, men or children, straight or gay. Rape is a crime. It is motivated by the need to control, humiliate, and harm. It is not motivated by sexual desire. Rapists use sex as a weapon to dominate others.

• 7 in 10 rape and sexual assault victims know their attacker prior to the assault. (Rennison, Callie M. "Criminal Victimization 1999: Changes 1998-00 with Trends 1993-99." Bureau of Justice Statistics, U.S. Department of Justice, August 2000., 2000)

According to the U.S. Department of Justice, "Drug Rape", is one of the fastest growing crimes in America today. In most cases, this is how it happens: Illicit drugs are unobtrusively slipped into beverages of unsuspecting victims at dance parties, bars or nightclubs. These substances are colorless, tasteless and odorless so the victim has absolutely no way of knowing that the drink he or she is about to consume will cause severe impairment and leave him or her defenseless. The victim is then left at the mercy of the perpetrator, led away to somewhere private and ultimately assaulted.Traces of the drugs used can disappear from the body within 12 hours.

Many victims have no memory of what happened to them, either waking up with a stranger, or being helped home by friends. For more on drug facilitated sexual assaults, click here. Remember- ALCOHOL IS THE MOST COMMONLY USED DATE RAPE DRUG!!! Sexual assaults occur due to seemingly innocent and social drinking, at times exacerbated by any use of over the counter or  prescription medications. Mixing sex and alcohol can lead to a very bad situation.

Understanding Consent

The concept of "consent" is at the center of any discussion about sexual violence.  Sexual violence occurs when a person or persons has sex or sexual activity with another person or persons without their consent.***

 Consent is an action, not the lack of response. Consent is an active response; it is not silence.  The existence of a current or prior sexual relationship does not automatically translate to consent.  A person who is incapacitated, such as an individual who is unconscious or drugged, is unable to consent.   

Age of consent refers to laws that exist to protect children and teenagers.  Age of consent laws, also known as statutory rape laws, say that individuals under a certain age can never consent to sexual activity.

Sometimes a victim may question her/his actions or feel at fault even if she/he did not consent:

• There's no DNA evidence.
• I didn't scream for help or fight hard enough.
• He's my boyfriend.
• I was drunk.
• I let him in my room.
• I persuaded him to use a condom.
• My body responded.
• I don't have injuries, or skin under my fingernails, to prove that I resisted.
• There were no witnesses. It's his word against mine.

While some of these factors may affect the ease of pressing criminal charges, they do not mean that the victim consented.

If you did not consent, you were victimized, and you may need to get help healing emotionally.  If you did not consent, nothing else -- not your sexual history, not your relationship with the other person, not your alcohol intake, not your clothing -- absolutely nothing else matters. If you agree to have sex  with your partner on Wednesday, then refuse to have sex with your partner on Friday, your wishes must be respected.  If they are not, it's rape. If you invite someone into your room and start kissing, then change your mind and say 'no', your wishes must be respected. If they are not, it's rape. It doesn't matter if they are your partner, your spouse, a date, or a stranger. It doesn't matter if you have a relationship with him/her or not. You must explicitly agree to the act of sex, and if you don't, it has to stop.

Remember these facts:     Silence is not consent.

                                              And no means NO

***Legal definitions of sexual assault, rape and other forms of sexual violence and legal definitions of consent vary from state to state and country to country.  Rape Response Services does not provide legal advice.  For more information on Maine laws click here.